Reflections on Self Preservation

I stumbled into the yawning jaws of mild depression in the last quarter of the past year. It was mild because deep inside I had some confidence that I would eventually come out of the tunnel. That eventually, the compulsion to wallow in terrible melancholia will slowly start to ebb away. In its replacement, a will to survive and persevere takes over. It would seem that this is the general structure of the human condition, after all – to prevail at all cost. Nothing inspires us better than the notion that a phoenix awakening could be our reality. It’s what we live for, isn’t it? The reconstruction that succeeds the destruction. Getting older, another layer of realisation seeps in. Throughout the reconstruction, we harness a sense of pure submission. Whatever it is that we are experiencing, we were meant to be in that journey. Take solace in knowing that each day is a combination of destiny and self-design. That destiny may not look like what we wanted, but the efforts at self-design can be the very best of what we can be.  

Well emerge out of the tunnel I now have and the new landscape is still a little foreign. The things that I wanted, I still cannot have and quite likely will never have. Has the reckoning of this fate devastated me yet, or is that moment yet to arrive? Am I where I am meant to be right now, in this unknown territory between want and need? Has the reconstruction even begun, or is the fact that I am still standing proof of its beginnings? It’s still uncertain, and life is always better understood in hindsight. All that is clear for now, is that the dull thud of inertia that made everything move in glacial speed has now dissipated. Through delicious meals with loved ones, long walks with self-help podcasts, prayer, music and most of all the time to forgive one’s self, the instinct to persevere has won this battle.

As of now, that is.

6 thoughts on “Reflections on Self Preservation

  1. Hello my lovely friend!! How are you? You’ve written this wonderfully well my dear!! I especially loved your lines “Whatever it is that we are experiencing, we were meant to be in that journey. Take solace in knowing that each day is a combination of destiny and self-design. That destiny may not look like what we wanted, but the efforts at self-design can be the very best of what we can be. ” Such powerful words my dearest, that ring with truth and grace. I am glad to hear you are feeling better. Man these years have truly been a storm de merde at times hey, excuse my French 😉 Sending you tons of love and warm hugs! Your favorite soul-remedies are my favorite ones, too 🙂 (Music, prayer, good meals…) Much love dearest!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. My dearest… it’s been too long… I hope you’re doing well dear. As always, it is such a pleasure to hear your reflections – you are too right that these years have been a storm de merde indeed. I feel however, as the past months evolve, we are heading to the other side of the rainbow. At least for awhile. But I guess ‘awhile’ is all that we are searching for sometimes. Huge hugs and love always.

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